The following is a stream-of-consciousness post, just the not-quite-random jotting down of some thoughts as they pop in to my head on the theme in the title. Feel free to comment or ignore at your leisure, because this is a kind of venting exercise for me.
Most of us, I think, are uncomfortable with complexity. We figure out ways to ignore nuance, conflict, and even the contradictions in our lives. It is always easier to draw lines around parts of our lives, lines that become walls separating vital parts of our lives from each other. We traverse the walls separating out these different parts with care, and we never give a thought as to how the different parts, separated so assiduously from one another, interact in our lives.
Yet, aren't these walls largely figments of our imaginations? Trying to reconcile the irreconcilable in our lives can lead us, usually, in two, time-worn directions: 1) the cliche of "the double life"; 2) eradicate the contradictions and live "with integrity". Neither of these options, however, deals with the underlying problem, however, which is quite simply this - we will never eradicate compromise and contradiction in our lives. No one is free from the dirty little secrets we try to hide from ourselves and others; our closets are full of the skeletons of our past, and no matter how hard we try either try to keep the door closed, or open them up and sweep away the dust of these events, they continue to fill.
One alternative to the endless search for a life lived honestly is to accept the complexity with which we live, and to accept the ways we do not live up to our beliefs about ourselves. In so doing, we can, first, maybe make some headway on dealing with those parts of our lives of which we aren't so proud, or perhaps reconciling those parts of our lives that we separate by those imaginary walls that really don't work so well after all. One of the first tasks necessary for real maturity (as opposed to the psychobabble we too often are spoon fed) is to see ourselves as others see us, not as we imagine ourselves to be.
The first time I went through this exercise was in my early 20's. I was confronted by two different mentors with a picture of myself not only that I had never considered, but when presented with it, was inclined to dismiss out of hand (I won't go in to details). Yet, after thinking about what I had been told, in detail both excruciating and necessary, I realized that I had to take much more care in the future to be aware of the perceptions of others in how I lived my life because decisions I make, for whatever internal reasons, can be interpreted quite differently by others. Care for others is the first step in dealing with complexity.
We too often hear and read people who say, "I don't care what other people think, I'm just going to live my life." That's a wonderful attitude to take. If one is an adolescent still trying to figure out who he or she is. There is nothing "heroic" or "adult" or "mature" in the pose of the disconnected rebel. This is the pose of the fearful adolescent, really - fearful of the approbation of others, and cutting off the approbation before it can reach one's sense of equanimity. If we don't care what others think or say before they say it, if they say it it is already meaningless.
The roots of this kind of pose aren't so much courage in the face of a heartless world, but fear of the complexity and compromise necessary to live in the world. Sometimes we have to see that our lives are compromised, and yet do the best we can anyway. Sometimes we have to accept that we are not the best person we could be, and that's OK. Sometimes we have to accept that others see us in a way we never would have suspected - and some of these unsuspected ways are actually surprisingly good.
I know someone - and no, it isn't me - who accepts the complexity of life so fully, without any sense of irony or compromise or willingness to hedge bets, that I used to wonder how it is done (sorry for the passive voice, but I am trying to hide an identity here). When asked, this person just say, "This is my life." There is no fear of judgment, no desire to live with what other people call integrity. There is only the acceptance of the complexity of life - and the inherent insecurity that entails. Rather than a heroic stance towards life, this is one that shows courage, and I think real integrity. This person is an integrated individual because this person accepts life as it is, and makes choices based on that reality. What others might call "a wrong choice" is only wrong because these others aren't living this life, with these experiences. This person is aware of the perceptions of others, and is careful with the feelings of others, but only so far as they do not interfere with making choices that are necessary to make one happy.
I have learned a lot watching this person. I hope I learn how to live this way more completely, and honestly.
