I've been on a kick lately, thinking through a lot of different, yet related, ideas - on experiencing life, on embracing what life has to offer without labeling or judging, seeing grace even in the midst of horror and terror and mourning as part of seeing the presence of God - and my thoughts turn, without too much difficulty to love.
My wife and I have had an on-going debate/discussion since early on. She has always been a firm believer in the whole "soul mate" thing; I, while occasionally dipping my toe in to hyper-romanticism, began poo-pooing such nonsense. Then, after five or six years together, I became a convert to the idea. In the past six months to year or so, I have reverted to my former sense that such talk is utter nonsense. I go further, however; I no longer believe it possible to invest human relationships with so much weight. I think the weight, in the end, crushes not only the relationship, but the people involved. It is all well and good to affirm one's love for another; it is quite another, and I think dangerous to one's own sense of oneself as well as the health of the relationship, to begin claiming that love has transformed in to "need". Need is a dangerous state to be in with another human being, to be honest; most people do not have the psychological health to carry their own burdens. To insist that another human being is responsible for my happiness, my sense of self is not the kind of healthy self-emptying one thinks of when one considers, for example, Christian demands for self-abnegation. Rather, it is a kind of self-infantalizing. We are handing to another person the keys not just to our hearts, but to our very lives. We are asking them to provide for us what, in all likelihood, they cannot provide for themselves.
We are a nation of incurable romantics. Our art, both high and popular celebrates all sorts of foolish ideas, from love at first sight to the emptying of the self onto another as a sign of true love. We sing about it in songs, we watch one after another movie in which people make utterly foolish choices based on the notion that their happiness can come only when they are attached to another human being.
Yet, real love between two people is such a fragile, beautiful thing. Why would we weigh it down with the requirement that it not only give us the pleasure of another person's presence in our lives, a presence to excite and surprise and confound and be at peace with, but also give us psychological strength we lack and equanimity we cannot seem to find on our own? Why would we demand that another person not only love us, but "complete" us, be our "soul mate", thus admitting up front that we feel our selves are incomplete and and for themselves?
The most wonderful part of marriage, for me at least, has been the continual excitement of learning there is so much about this woman I do not know, this woman I have lived with for nearly fifteen years. Far more than insisting that, without her, I am not complete, I revel in the almost daily surprise of seeing something I have not seen before. Why would I demand more than that? Why would I insist on a unbreakable bow of "forever" before the fact, rather than allow the unfolding of our time together to provide evidence that our being together is a worthy goal in and of itself?
I also do not believe that such love is, or should be, necessarily exclusive. Throughout human history, it has not been. I am not advocating adultery; I am saying that it is perfectly natural to discover, one fine day, another person who interests us as much, albeit in different ways, as someone to whom we have committed ourselves. It seems to me that pursuing such interest, cognizant of the limits we have set around such activities, is as worthy a goal as holding fast to the original commitment itself. How else can we live and grow, experiencing the possibilities life has to offer, if we insist that love is, by its nature, exclusive? Since it really isn't, I see no reason why we should pretend that it either can be, should be, or is. A deep friendship can offer a wealth of experiences that can only make us better people, better lovers, better friends, better individuals. To argue that only certain, socially sanctioned kinds of "love" are properly love is ridiculous on its face.
This is another instance of asking of love more than it can possibly provide. I see no reason in the world why it is necessary to seek in one individual every scrap of balance and joy in one's life. Without ever breaking the vow to forsake others, I believe it is not only possible, but rewarding to enjoy many of the same joys and sorrows and surprises we have with spouses with one who is not our spouse. It can only make us better, because one thing I believe about love is quite simple - when it is real, and I mean really real, it is never wrong.
I wonder how many people are going to ask me if I'm cheating on my wife now?
Virtual Tin Cup
